Help for Parents

There is nothing worse than watching your child suffer. Often they withdraw, so we don’t really know they extent of what they are going through, or they put on a brave face and tell you ‘everything is fine’. But if you instinctively feel that your child is not really themselves, trust that instinct and get them some help. The sooner these issues can be brought out into the open and resolved, the better your child’s experiences of their childhood & teenage years will be, and the more likely they will grow to be happy and resilient as they head into their 20’s.

I have helped so many teenagers through issues of self doubt, anxiety and lack of self belief. It is such a difficult time, when their relationship with themselves and everyone around them changes. They need perseverance, resilience and an open mindset, but how do they learn these super important life skills ?

Here’s how you can help them :

1) Don’t panic (anxious parents, breed anxious children).

2) Give them clear boundaries within which to operate - make sure the boundaries are agreed to, and they understand the reasons for them (“Because” is not a good reason !)

3) Allow them to make decisions for themselves (even if some of those end in mistakes) . Allow them to think, plan, decide, hope and care about what they do. This teaches them that their own efforts achieve outcomes, (not your efforts).

4) Step back; by the time they get to 14/15 yrs old, realise you have put in all the groundwork, and they now need to find their own way, with your support and some subtle guidance

5) Encourage them to challenge themselves; to try, try and try again - failing is part of the process of learning. Praise them for trying, whatever the outcome. Help them to understand, that they can achieve anything with perseverance and practice.

6) Help them to find the good in a situation, even when it goes wrong, don’t focus on the problem - the more they focus on the problem, the bigger the problem will become

7) Show them that your love for them is NOT conditional on their achievements

8) Ensure they also contribute to the household - cleaning, washing up, ironing, cooking, shopping - even if they are extremely busy, it is important they understand that everyone has to do the ‘unpleasant’ work. This demonstrates that you trust them to do these chores, which in turn builds self esteem and a sense of self.

9) Trust that they do know what is best for them (mostly)

10) Listen, listen and listen some more

11) Be curious and enjoy - your child is amazing - be interested in what they are interested in - they will open up new worlds for you, which in turn helps them to like & value themselves .

DO NOT judge, criticise, disapprove or endlessly correct or advise them - don’t worry that they are not perfect - don’t become their servant and don’t rush in and rescue them at the smallest hurdle.